Week of January 23, 2010

Lose it. Tone it. Track it.

Do it in 100 Days

want to get serious about your fitness?

Ready to lose weight? Work hard? Get stronger? Build stamina? Eat better? Focus on you for once?  Take the 100 Day Challenge and you’re going to meet your goal through plain ole exercise and nutrition with a twist . . . It’s guaranteed. Megan, your personal nutritionist and Lisa, your group fitness trainer are at your side every step of the way.  Starts February 14 and ends May 25. Additionally, participants receive special discounts from local businesses, a complimentary professional photograph on the 100th day celebration, a fitness shirt, and a maintenance plan.

There’s nothing like this in your area.  More details in the coming week.

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Thank You Randie for this Ode

Odes to the Things I Can No Longer Enjoy on My Damned Diet

By Colin Nissan

Goodbye, up-for-grabs office doughnut
Well, this is awkward, isn’t it? Another time, I would have walked right up and jammed you into my mouth—whole, if no one was watching. But today I must keep my distance for fear that a wisp of your powdered sugar will rise up to my nose like pixie dust and end this diet as quickly as it started.  Do I want to get rid of my lunch-lady arms? I really do.

Goodbye, whipped-cream-topped coffee drinks
A coffee drink, a sundae and an angel had a baby together, and that baby is you. Sadly my days of slurping your 50-calorie-a-straw loads of frothy mirth have ended. No longer will I enjoy the seven-minute burst of productivity that you so generously provided.

Goodbye, sandwich with mozzarella sticks in it
A triumph of gastronomy. A failure of humanity. You know very well that mozzarella sticks are a stand-alone appetizer, yet you violated societal taboo and turned an innocent sandwich into a delicious killing machine. You may be the bad boy of the hoagie community, but I don’t have the stomach for bad boys anymore, only for decent, god-fearing sandwiches with regulation ingredients.

Goodbye, microwaveable noodles in a cup
It took a mere 60 seconds for you to transport me to the Orient, and just 60 more for my face to swell to twice its size from sodium bloat. You’ve managed to stuff nine ingredients into your little Styrofoam cup that start with the letter X. And that’s eight too many for the new me.

Goodbye, gas-station soda that’s too big for my cup holder

Did I ever stand a chance of consuming this much liquid? Of course not. But that’s not the point, the point is that you’re only 19 cents more than the medium. Unfortunately, you’re no longer the only thing in my car that’s round and wide and sweaty.

Goodbye, mysterious vending-machine baked good
I will never forget your number, E5, but I must forget you. I must forget the throat-burning sweetness of your frosting, and the faded mystery of your expiration date. While I may still stop by your machine on occasion, it will be only to press my hand against the glass in a gesture of longing. If you had a hand, I know you’d do the same.

Goodbye, nachos
Adios, mi amigo. Never in my life have 17 ingredients been presented with such chaos, yet had such a calming effect on my palate. I will miss you dearly.

Goodbye, full-fat ice cream
Ice cream, you are my Tin Man. I will miss you most of all. I may be able to fool my eyes with low fat and fro-yo, but I will never fool my heart, or my taste buds—they know deceit when it crosses their path.  Unfortunately, you are also responsible for the satellite ass that seems to have formed on my original one.

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